Why Do Narcissists Ruin Holidays? And How to Cope

Why do narcissists ruin our holidays? How can you avoid another ruined holiday this year?

The holidays are a huge stressor for those of us who have someone with narcissistic personality disorder in our lives.

A narcissist doesn’t ruin only the big holidays, like Thanksgiving or Christmas.

They will destroy birthdays, anniversaries, and even family vacations.

My ex-narcissist would ruin the holidays for me by simply pulling the silent treatment on me or by not even acknowledging it. Especially, on my birthday. The last birthday I had while involved with him was extra special. No card, no dinner plan, or date night — basically it was just another busy day for him that couldn’t be rearranged for me. He had other plans and that was that. It wasn’t important that it was a big birthday for me or that I had asked him weeks in advance to spend the day with me.

I didn’t hear from him until late in the afternoon on my birthday. His text read: “you know I wish you a happy birthday, right? Have a great day sexy.”

Yep — that’s it!

And to drive his best wishes home even more for me, he didn’t answer my texts or reach out to me for days after my birthday.

Sigh.

It goes without saying that a narcissist at your holiday gathering is going to try, and most likely succeed, to put a damper on the festivities for you and the family.

Let’s look at why the narcissist is hell-bent on ruining holidays and what we can do to avoid or cope with it again this year.

Reasons Why Narcissists Ruin Your Holidays

Narcissists like misery and chaos. The holidays don’t change that for them.

And if you’re estranged from the narcissist during the holiday season, don’t be surprised if they break their silence and contact you.

I like to refer to it as “holiday hoovering.” They know that during this time you might be an easier target to reel in again.

So why do they do it?

New v. Old.

This is the harshest reason so let’s get it over with.

We can all agree, new is better than old. Right? A shiny, clean new BMW trumps your old, dented Chevy any day of the week. The same is true for a narcissist.

If the narcissist is a no-show for your holiday gathering or all of a sudden busy, he/she probably has a new supply that they’d rather spend the day with.

Do you remember how engaged and attentive the narcissist was at the beginning of your relationship?

If they have met a new interest (supply), they are now doing that to them. This hurts, I know. But don’t think this new person is somehow different or better than you. That’s not the reason the narcissist chose to spend the holiday with the new person.

It’s simply what we agreed earlier — new is better than old.

Lack empathy.

Empathy is an important component of how we relate, connect, and understand others. It’s crucial in communication.

Empathy is the knowing what to say, when to say it, and how.

Those who lack empathy are unable to understand others, therefore are hard to talk to. They blame others for their mistakes and have an argumentative attitude.

Has your narcissist ever said you are too sensitive? If you’re hearing this statement regularly, it’s proof you’re dealing with someone who lacks empathy.

Holidays = Intimacy.

Holidays are about family gatherings with food, conversation, and gifts. All of which require obligations and expectations.

A narcissist can be really good at giving the appearance of intimacy, but the truth is they fear it.

Meaningful conversations or getting close to people causes anxiety for the narcissist. Anxiety is something a narcissist can’t handle. It forces the narcissist to push the feeling to the side or numb it with drugs or alcohol.

Intimacy is all about creating healthy bonds with those you love — and we all know narcissists don’t do healthy bonds. Therefore, can’t do intimacy.

Devilish Ways Narcissists Ruin Holidays

Now that we know a few reasons why narcissists ruin holidays, let’s explore some devilish examples of ways they pull it off.

The Holiday Break-up.

Narcissists love to devalue and discard you.

One way to do this is to end the relationship with an abrupt break-up days before the holiday or the day of. They know this will put a damper on your holidays. Plus, it’s a perfect way to skip out on the intimacy of the holiday.

Beware Of The Gift.

A narcissist is going to ruin whatever sort of gift they give you.

If they give you an elaborate gift, it will come with a cost. This cost can be dangerous.

Narcissists like to “throw it your face.” This means that the next time (maybe even the next 100 times) you call them out on bad behavior or hurtful things, the narcissist will remind you of that elaborate gift. Maybe even threaten to take it back from you.

Another gift warning to look out for is the ultimate betrayal of refusing to give you a gift. If it upsets you, the narcissist will be sure to remind you of why you didn’t deserve a gift. You did this or that and therefore are unworthy of a gift.

Holiday Hoovering.

I talked about this a bit at the start of the post. Narcissists will use the holiday to gain your sympathy. It’s a sneaky little tactic to get attention.

If you’re like me, the narc knows you didn’t want things to end. This gives them an open door to come back in your life any time they want. If they don’t have a new supply in the wings or can’t be with him/her on the holiday, they will undoubtedly try to hoover you in.

Helpful Tips to Cope With Narcissism

Finally, let’s discuss ways to cope with a ruined holiday by a narcissist.

Narcissists are NOT only spouses/partners. They can be a family member, friend, or co-worker. You can use these helpful tips regardless of where the narcissist fits in your life.

Self-care kit.

A self-care kit is first-aid for ruined holidays. It’s all about you. Gather the things you love, find a quiet space, and unwind after the holiday event.

My kit contains vanilla candles, the current book or magazine I’m reading, lavender Epsom salts, my journal, and my earbuds. But, you can add anything that uplifts or brings you emotional health.

Allow yourself to be upset.

You have every right to be upset by a ruined holiday. Your feelings are valid.

So, allow yourself to feel those emotions. Give yourself the time and space to be emotional. Process the experience and your emotions by journaling about them. A pen and paper can be powerful weapons against pain. Use it to release all that negative shit.

Remind yourself who you’re dealing with.

I suggest keeping this tool with you at all times — not just the holidays. Use it in place of engaging in an argument.

Narcissists know which buttons to push to discard, devalue, and hurt you. And most of the time, the bs that a narcissist accuses you of doing or behaving like is just their way of telling on themselves.

My ex-narc accused me of lying about a pregnancy. Come to find out, he had a child the entire time we were together that I never knew about. 🤯

So pay attention to those accusations and remind yourself that you’re dealing with a crazy person. You’re not the crazy one.

Acceptance.

You, or your gift at the holidays, will never be good enough.

Narcissists ruin holidays by belittling your gifts — causing you to feel unworthy.

Accepting that no matter what you do is good enough for the narcissist is key to coping with someone with this personality disorder.

They will seek out faults in you and then use it against you, repeatedly — especially if you’re trying to discuss one of their flaws.

Remind yourself who you’re dealing with, remember your worth, and accept that the narcissist’s opinion of you is not true.

Set a time limit.

Or skip the holiday event completely.

This can be a tricky coping method, but if you can get out of going to a holiday event that you know a narcissist will be attending, go for it. Choosing peace over chaos is always healthy — even if that means being alone for the holidays.

If skipping the event isn’t an option, consider setting a time limit. Don’t overexpose yourself to the environment. Let others know in advance of your time limit and stay firm.

Your peace of mind is worth it.

Final Thoughts

Coping with a narcissist is the most challenging thing I’ve ever done. So, I can sympathize with what you’re going through. It sucks when all you want to do is have a joyful holiday with family and friends, but instead, you’re walking on eggshells or trying to put out fires your narcissist is setting all day.

Empower yourself this year by not accepting the blame.

Look within, encourage yourself, and set strong boundaries to avoid letting narcissists ruin holidays for you.